Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Post 3: Motivation Through the Chapters and my Life

Some of you may have read my post on my addiction to running. I didn't tell you the effects that the addiction had had on me further down the road though.
Ever since my running issues, I had sworn it off. I had not run in some time. Nor did I do much, if any, exercising. I was ashamed of what I had done. And because of that shame, I let myself go.
Oh, how quickly one addiction can lead to another. Food! That was my need; or so I believed. While I was running, I ate seven thousand calories a day to keep up my energy. When I quite, my body told me through a number of ways that I needed to eat. So I did. I went from a 140 pounds to 280 pounds. Soon my body knew that I did not need to eat, but I continued. No longer was this a physiological need. It became a addiction and psychological need. I felt empty.
I had no more ambition after I stopped running. I was afraid to try anything else for fear of failure. I was afraid of the public, especially after I got so fat and overweight. I avoided people because of my shame and low self esteem. I became lonely through my own actions. Feeling empty, I filled myself with food, which was so easy! I lost my mind in video games and television to pass the long lonely hours.
Then, about two years after I stopped running an x-ray found a growth in my brain. When I was running, I had been taking caffeine pills among…other things to keep my energy up all day long. I was constantly exhausted in high school from school, activities, friends, and the running that I took some alternatives to keep me going. I slept at most one hour a day because of all the different things I was on, but at least I could complete all my goals.
It was these because of these things that I got a brain tumor, or so my brain surgeon hypothesized. I went to a learning hospital in Philadelphia and through two surgeries and some radiation therapy, lost the tumor and sixty pounds.
Going through such an event can really motivate someone. It did just that for me. I was still overweight but I was able to keep those pounds off. Because of the tumor, I lost sixty-seven percent of my vision, I am on steroids and testosterone medication, my bones are slowly disintegrating, and I am now susceptible to diabetes.
But I was happy! Happy to be alive! I resumed my education, moved to Deptford and currently at Stockton. I am in my fourth year of schooling and about to graduate with a BS in Psychology and Teacher Education. I started at a gym again and with strict adherence of trainer and doctors recommendations I brought my weight down to 200 pounds. I got in touch with my family again. I returned to my church. Then I got that call from my cardiologist.
Understanding motivation has helped me see how my decisions, addictions, past, emotions, physiology, and social choices have guided my motives and choices to where I am today.
My addiction to running motivated me to go further and take drugs to keep up on my other responsibilities. After hurting my hip by running, my physiological need for food motivated me to continue eating even though I did not need to eat as much. This turned into an addiction and a solution for my shame and guilt. My shame and fear of how others would see me motivated me into a life of solitude.
During the brain tumor I took appraisal of my life and seen how my past and taken me close to death’s door, I was motivated to turn it around. I lost more weight, joined my family and church again, and resumed my education.
This class has allowed me to view my past in a new way. So that I can understand my decisions in the past. Taking this class allowed me to work through much of the anger I have over my mistakes in the past.